Year in Movie Reviews #3: 2000

My Favorite Flicks

Cast Away – This movie has grown on me. Here’s a tip. Watch the movie on TV. They spare you the part where Tom Hanks gets his feet shredded by a coral reef.

Gladiator – This one oozes testosterone (in a totally non-Brokeback way). Epic action flick. “Are you not entertained!? Are you not entertained!!!??”

X-Men – Director Bryan Singer does a wonderful job of bringing the X-Men to the big screen. He makes some creative changes (such as the character of Rogue being an insecure teenager as opposed to a sassy southern belle), but they serve the movie well. James Marsden doesn’t make a very good Cyclops, but overall, they did a superb job casting this one. Entertaining, energetic, and funny.

The Patriot – Braveheart in the American Revolution. I was skeptical when I saw the preview, but this one was epic.

Me Myself and Irene – This one is pretty silly, but what could be a better role for Jim Carrey than a schizophrenic cop? The guy is a one-man odd couple! My wife and I laughed for a good couple of minutes after the “soft serve” transition.

U-571 – Who-a! Living on a Pra --- SHACK! Just kidding. That an inside joke for those of you who have seen Jon Bon Jovi get his had hacked off in this one. Great submarine action flick. The extraordinary circumstances create a tense environment that is a great obstacle to overcome.

Men of Honor – Cuba Gooding Jr. and Robert De Niro play well off of each other in this one. Decent film. I’m just glad they changed the name from Seamen of Honor.

O, Brother Where Art Thou? – The hero’s journey through the masterful story telling style of the Coen Brothers. Great story, fantastic cast with amazing chemistry, funny as hell, and cool special effects.

Frequency – I liked this one. Father and son in different eras connect to change the future all through ham radios! Ridiculous, yes. Cool flick? Yes.

The Replacements – This is another Saturday afternoon TV winner. A decent enough story, good humor, and colorful characters. There’s even a little T & A, which doesn’t hurt.

Pitch Black – This movie introduces the character of Riddick. He was instantly added to the bad-ass characters list right next to Rambo and the Terminator. It’s a rip-off of Aliens, but who cares? It’s still a cool movie.

The 6th Day – Arnold picks another current event and makes a movie out of it. In 1999 it was the end of the world/millennium and now it’s human cloning. This is actually a good movie, though. The story, action, and characters are solid. “When I told you to go screw yourself, I didn’t mean literally.”

Almost Famous – Charming flick about a 14-year old aspiring rock journalist who goes on tour with the fictional 70’s band “Stillwater.” The superb cast leads the way from one great rock story to the next, showing the debauchery and humor of life on the road for rock bands, groupies, and anyone else hanging on for dear life.


Guilty Pleasures

What Women Want – This one is kind of hokey, but I enjoy it. I love the idea of giving a chauvinistic male the ability to hear the thoughts of women.

Space Cowboys – FOGIES! IN! SPACE! This movie really is a comedy. Great characters, awesome humor. It has a Mission to Mars-esque ending, but the main difference is that with this film, the story makes sense, and I give a shit about the characters!

Road Trip – I’m surprised it took Hollywood this long to take Animal House on the road. Pretty shallow, but some funny stuff in this one. Remember Tom Green? Fuck, was he annoying! His childish antics aside, this one’s an adequate comedy.

Bring it On – Once again guys, if you absolutely have to watch a chick flick, this one’s not terrible. It’s got some pretty stupid humor, and it’s predictable, but overall it's pretty funny, which is a lot more than I can say for most chick flicks.

Finding Forester – This one has a wonderful student/mentor relationship in it, even though it’s shadowed by Sean Connery’s now infamous line… “You’re the man, now dog!” It is such a ridiculous line that it spawned its own viral website!! http://ytmnd.com/


Biggest Surprises

The Ninth Gate – Johnny Depp in a movie about finding relics to open a gateway to hell, or something like that. This one sort of sits between “The End of Days” (Craptastic) and “Constantine” (Kick Ass!). It’s a great movie to have on TV when you’re just chilling.

American Psycho – I don’t normally like these type of movies, but I remember this one being trippy and disturbing, and also watchable.

Requiem for a Dream – Not much to say here. Decent flick.

Gone in 60 Seconds – I had a friend of mine who told me not to see this movie because I wasn’t a car guy. Ok, let’s get something straight. Just because I can’t identify the make an model of a car from listening to a tape of it on a boombox, and just because I don’t have a religious experience every time I hear “Lowrider” by War, doesn’t mean I don’t like cars, and it definitely doesn’t mean I won’t like this film. The Jerry Bruckheimer all-star team of actors is in this one with people from everything from Indepence Day to Armageddon to well, every Nicholas Cage movie of the mid-90s. I honestly expected this one to be mediocre and it was surprisingly decent. It gets slow at times (I’m not going for a pun here, the pacing gets slow, really!), but overall it’s an entertaining ride (ok, guilty as charged on that pun!).


Biggest Disappointments

Mission to Mars – This movie is an abortion. My wife and were so psyched when we saw previews for this movie, but the great cast was wasted, the story was weak, and the ending was just idiotic. This is still the only movie I’ve seen in the theater where it was literally just my wife and I. We had the whole place to ourselves. If I had a top ten list of biggest disappointments, you can bet your ass this one would be in the top 3.

Mission: Impossible II – After the first Mission Impossible, I was really excited they decided to make a sequel. It’s just too bad that this one suffers from JohnWooRambo-itis. It has that distinctive John Woo action style to it. You know, the action that is so implausible that not even a retard could suspend disbelief? And don’t get me wrong, I love Rambo movies, but Mission Impossible is supposed to be team oriented, and this one just felt like a commando mission 95% of the time.

Meet The Parents – This movie has its funny moments, but ultimately, it’s just a painful experience. I suppose it says something that I feel so bad for the main character as I’m writing this, but it’s still just excruciating. “It’s just a game, Focker!” is still a funny line though.

Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon – I remember saying 20 minutes into what I thought was the final battle scene between two chicks fighting with every sword imaginable… “If this girl just magically flies out of here, I’m turning off the movie.” Yeah, that’s what happened. It’s the quintessential bull shit Hong Kong kung fu flick. It’s confusing and tedious at best.

Unbreakable – Mr Invincible vs. Mr Glass. Yeah. Great matchup. It’s all downhill from here for director
M. NIGHT SHAYMALAN

Vertical Limit – Cheesy, over-the-top, and infantile, Vertial Limit makes Conan the Barbarian look like Hamlet. It’s one of those movies that you laugh at the sad parts and cry at the funny parts.

The Virgin Suicides – The tagline was… “Love Sex Passion Fear Obsession.” It should have been “Flacid Chickflick Boredom CommitSuicideAlreadyYouDamnVirgins!”


Didn’t See

Erin Brokovich
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High Fidelity